The Warlizard Chronicles: Adventures with Vodka Women & War Read online

  Praise For

  The Warlizard Chronicles

  Adventures with Vodka, Woman & War

  “You're one of the most interesting people I've ever come across in the internet before... That what fascinates me the most is your writing.”

  “You tell all women that story? You should wash your mouth!”

  “I think I could listen to your stories for hours.”

  “So you owe your marriage to the people who brought down the world trade center?”

  “I have nothing else I can add or ask, except MORE STORIES.”

  “Holy shit. I wish I was you.”

  “Man, you're an inspiration, seriously. Fuck Tucker Max, you're the real shit. I'm sure to remember your stories whenever there's a choice to do some crazy shit. I used to say I'd do it for the lulz, now I'm gonna do it like WarLizard.”

  “Dear Mrs. Warlizard, while that was without doubt especially offensive and graphic, it was truthful. There aren't many men who would be that honest within earshot (so to speak) of their wives.”

  “Oh man, I was with you on all your stories until this one. You slept with another man's wife and then lied to him about it, and can say with a straight face it was the right thing?”

  “Goddammit, I spewed out laughter too loud at work, now I have to leave because everyone knows I'm not doing shit. Fuck this is hilarious, and disconcerting, at the same time.”

  “He is the most interesting man in the world.”

  “Ok guys, I'm calling troll. Everyone knows lizards can't type.”

  “How old are you? I feel like a failure reading these stories, they're awesome.”

  “Your life experience makes me feel good. You good sir are somewhat of a new idol of mine. Nothing much you can do about that. Have a good day sir.”

  “You know if you were to hire someone with awesome writing talent, no matter how much talent they would have they would not be able to top this.”

  “Warlizard doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he prefers Dos Equis.”

  “I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that not only a story like this exists but that a Reddit regular would be living it. And it kinda has this enthusiastic ‘and then it happened...’ moments in it that kinda style like you'd write fiction on the go.”

  “This guy is either the most creative man in the world or the most interesting man in the world. Either way...”

  “You hate everyone and you can write really well. If you didn't have a family, you could become Spider Jerusalem!”

  The Warlizard Chronicles

  Adventures with Vodka, Woman & War

  By Warlizard

  Warlizard Ink, LLC

  www.Warlizard.com

  © 2011, Warlizard®

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.

  First published by Warlizard 2011

  For inquiries about volume orders, please contact:

  Warlizard Ink, LLC

  [email protected]

  Kindle Edition

  Cover Photo By Scottsdale Images

  www.ScottsdaleImages.com

  Disclaimer:

  All names (unless specifically mentioned) have been modified or changed completely. Certain dates, locations, people and characteristics of these stories may have been changed to protect Warlizard from criminal prosecution or civil liability. And of course, any illegal activities mentioned in this book are here for entertainment purposes only and could never have happened. Also, do not try this at home. Void where prohibited. Use only in well-ventilated area. Well, you get the idea.

  Contents

  Introduction

  Some Stories

  1. Betty

  2. Cheating and Winning A Kissing Contest

  3. How LSD got me ready for War

  4. War

  5. The French Girl

  6. The Married Girl

  7. The Arrest

  8. My CoWorkers Prank Me Good

  9. Leaving DLI

  10. The German Redlight District

  11. Always Buy the Ticket!

  12. The “Spread”sheet

  13. I Lose

  14. Learn to Shoot Pool.

  Bad Advice

  15. Go Out and LIVE

  16. “That’s Not Fair”

  17. I Really Like This Girl But She’s Out of My League

  18. Keep Your Mouth Shut, or the Virtue of Discretion

  19. Quick Tech Support Tip

  20. Get Some Checkboxes

  21. SMILE

  22. Learn to Grill a Steak

  23. If You REALLY want a Job…

  24. Talk to Everyone

  25. There Are Good Times to Lie

  26. I’m Bored, What Can I Do To Pass the Time?

  27. You Don’t Get To Be Friends With Him!

  28. Are People Who Like Guns Crazy?

  29. Career Path

  30. What is Happiness?

  31. Dirty Talk

  Back to the Stories

  32. Back in the Saddle

  33. Celebrity Sighting

  34. Parker

  35. Breaking Up Using Porn

  36. The Irish Girl

  37. The Twisted Ostrich

  38. The Greatest Lie I Ever Told

  39. I Run From The Cops

  40. Plug in the Strobe Light

  41. The Old Annoying Guy

  42. Getting Even

  43. The Feminist

  44. My Last Fight

  45. The Pathological Liar

  46. How I Got My First Book Published

  47. Muttface

  48. My First Job

  49. Never Settle.

  AFTERWARD

  Introduction

  People always tell me I’ve had a crazy life and they’re right. I’ve lived all over the world, met some wonderful people, and I’ve had the time of my life.

  But it didn’t happen by accident.

  Every single time an opportunity was presented to me, I took it. Every time. I took every job offer, dated every girl, went on every trip, made every friend, did the flaming shot someone bought, took the train instead of the plane, and it led me to places I never could have imagined.

  Was it fun to live through such utter insanity? Sure! I mean, I nearly married a girl whose “love” of dogs was illegal in 30 states, but I also won the heart of the girl of my dreams. My life has been the greatest adventure I could have imagined!

  Now, did I do it right? Is this the best way to live? The jury is still out, but I'm here now, loving my life and happy as a clam with everything I hoped for and more. I jumped through every door with my eyes wide open, hoping for something fun on the other side. You don't do that, you may as well be dead.

  -- Warlizard --

  Some Stories

  1. Betty

  My new fiancée Betty and I were sitting on the couch, watching the Westminster Kennel Club dog show when she looked over at me and casually said, “My first orgasm came from a dog.”

  As I sat there stunned, trying to control my reactions and collect myself, I had two immediate thoughts:

  1. Now I know why my dog likes her better.

  2. I wish this were the worst thing she’d ever told me.

  Our relationship started as a blind date. My buddy was dating Betty’s twin sister and one day he asked if I wanted to go out and party with the three of them. It was obviously a setup and since my history with blind dates was less than stellar, I hesitated. The last one I’d been on ended up with me pushing a very cute and giggling girl in a shopping cart, hitting a speed-bump, and watching her catapult out to faceplant on the asphalt. Tears and blood flowed freely and I didn’t get a second date.

  But hey, you only live once so I told him I was up for it. We arranged to meet at the Village Idiot, a bar in downtown Columbia, SC and from the moment I saw Betty, I was smitten.

  She was just so much fun! If you’ve ever met someone who was the center of attention and the life of the party the moment they arrive, you’ll know what I mean. Betty was an unstoppable force of nature and I really had no idea what I was in for.

  We’d spent the last few hours drinking shots of something blue and laughing our asses off. Things were going really well but I didn’t know how well until Betty looked up at me with a mischievous grin and said, “You wanna go back to your place and fuck?”

  Even as wrecked as I was, it took me less than a second to answer.

  “Hell yeah! Let’s go!”

  As I followed her down the stairs and watched her tight gymnast’s ass, I thought I’d hit the lotto. Betty was bouncy and crazy, had a wide smile and was always happy. She was a fitness freak and her body showed it. Who wouldn’t want a girl like that? I knew I did.

  Over the next few weeks we were inseparable, and by that I mean we spent the next few weeks in bed. I liked the fact that she was completely open about sex and was unashamed to admit it. Most of the other girls at my school played it by the book and waited the requisite 3 dates before having sex. The dates were always formal and the girls habitually ordered the most expensive thing on the menu. Three dates later when they finally dropped panties, they expected me to fawn over them like they were letting me
into Narnia. Just once I wanted to scream, “EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD HAS ONE! THERE’S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOURS.”

  I did not. But I wanted to. So you’ll understand why Betty was so refreshing. She enthusiastically and loudly enjoyed sex and had no problem telling me when she was horny. It was a nice change. Sex was pretty vanilla initially, until I found a giant box of dildos and porn under her bed. My idiot mutt had crawled under there and was scratching at the box so of course I had to look inside.

  What struck me most was not that she had a vibrator, but that she had so many of them. Large, small, ribbed, veined, black, pink, she had them all, in shapes not found in nature. I could only guess at how much she spent in batteries every month. But even that wasn’t as crazy as her porn stash. Instead of magazines, she had paperbacks and by the wear and tear on them, they’d been read more than once.

  I’ll be honest – the topics were … a bit extreme. Most were borderline S&M, but quite a few of them had to do with naughty schoolgirls and their teachers, naughty daughters and their dads, naughty nieces and their uncles, and judging by the explicit covers, all the young ladies had been disobedient and required spankings.

  Hey, you don’t need to hit me over the head with a brick. I saw the recurring theme, so the next time we fooled around, I gave her a light smack on the ass. You’d think I hit the turbo button. She went nuts. It turned out she loved everything to do with her ass. Everything. The purpose of the smaller dildos became abundantly clear shortly thereafter.

  At first this was fun, in the “OMG I am dating a freak!” but it got old pretty quick. Turned out, I didn’t want to shove something up her ass every time we fooled around. If I didn’t get a finger or a dildo or SOMETHING in there, she took forever to come. As a result, instead of it being something kinda dirty and fun, anything ass-related became a chore. There were no “special occasion” things that she’d do — everything was “on the menu”, all the time.

  As our relationship developed I found out more and more about her. She worked at a vet’s office helping inseminate dogs. Her specific role was to extract the semen from the male. Yep, my girlfriend’s job was to jack off dogs. Ok, bit of a setback, but nothing a well-laid boyfriend can’t handle, right? We were partying like crazy and having a blast, so I could overlook an odd quirk here and there.

  After a few months of being together, she really started to open up. She told me that her last boyfriend blindfolded her, tied her face down on the bed, and let his friends come in and do anything they wanted to her. She thought this was awesome and a huge turn-on.

  In any relationship, you make sacrifices and allowances. It takes courage to just come out and tell your partner what turns you on, especially if it’s a bit offbeat, so I didn’t recoil in disgust or tell her she was crazy when she told me this. I just laughed and told her I was out of rope.

  To be honest, it was disconcerting. I didn’t like thinking of my girlfriend as some anonymous girl face-down getting hammered by a string of high-fiving gym-rats, but I figured that maybe it was all in the past. She was with me now and I wasn’t into sharing.

  Of course, I was dying to know what was going on in her head. Most of her fantasies involved submission and degradation and I wondered why. There had to be some psychological trigger in her little pea-brain and I started actively searching for it.

  Although she still had her own apartment, Betty spent 90% of her time in my house and even had her own key. I came home one day and found her employing two dildos and a vibrator, riveted by the porn on the TV. Her claim that my house was “more private” and that’s why she was always there made more sense.

  You might think I would have flipped out walking in on that but I didn’t and maybe it was because of Betty’s reaction. She wasn’t ashamed, didn’t stop, and after she’d finished, gave me a big grin and said, “Wow, I came really hard. Now it’s your turn.” How can you get mad at that?

  My whole relationship with Betty was so unique. Not only had I never dated anyone like her, I’d never MET anyone like her. I mean seriously, how many girls do you know who love porn and are confident enough to admit it?

  Most of my former girlfriends liked bubble baths, candles and romance novels. Not Betty. She wanted gang-bangs, beatings, multi-penetration and humiliation. We started talking about her porn collection and decided that since it was so out of date, we should update it. We went online and I told her to get anything that looked interesting. It turned out our definitions of “interesting” were light years apart.

  When the giant box of CDs, books, and videos arrived, I realized just how much our tastes differed. My idea of scandalous was a naughty schoolgirl. Hers involved physical pain and actual damage. One favorite story of hers had some guy kidnapping a girl and torturing her in his dungeon. He ends up squirting boiling oil into this girl’s vagina and she dies from the pain. Betty loved it.

  I still hadn’t found the trigger, the reason why this particular type of fantasy was such a turn-on to her and it was driving me crazy. I didn’t have anyone I could ask or talk to about it. Wikipedia was still more than a decade away. I would have to wait.

  We’d been dating a few more months and I’d become somewhat used to her kinks. Hey, she was still fun, still crazy in bed and if she liked to think about getting raped and murdered when we had sex, who was I to judge? I guess the fact I accepted this about her made her feel more comfortable with me and she “mentioned” that when she was 14 she had become pregnant and had an abortion.

  This was obviously something that was pretty secret and she watched me closely to see my reaction. You have to understand – we were in the Deep South, where “good girls” would never do such a thing. I told her that it must have been a very difficult decision and I could only imagine what it must have been like. I guess my answer was acceptable.

  Betty and I had clearly reached a new stage in our relationship. I’d passed her test, so after telling me this, she said she wanted me to meet her family. I already knew her twin sister – she, her boyfriend, Betty, and I hung out constantly. But meeting her Mom and Dad was a big deal. I wasn’t too sure this was a good idea, mostly because Betty clearly had her issues, but there really wasn’t any way to avoid it and I figured I may as well. Might be fun, right?

  I like people from the South but they have odd notions of what’s acceptable and what isn’t. I didn’t know her mother had 2 other kids from a previous marriage but this was a bit of a scandal. Even worse, Betty had an older sister who lived in the projects and had a half-black kid. This may seem like nothing to you and to me, but I realized why it was a big deal when I met her parents.

  Her Dad was an Old-School southern gentleman from Mississippi and his racism, while understated was clear. So his step-daughter having a half-black child was huge. The fact that she lived in the projects was even a bigger deal, since the parents were pretty well-off. Well, at least I thought they were and it wasn’t until months later that I learned the truth.